Confessions of a Compulsive Overeater

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“We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Overeaters Anonymous

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Here is a list of what I consider to be some of my compulsive eating behaviours.

  1. Frequently weighing myself.
  2. Weighing myself after bowel movement to weigh less
  3. Juice detox – trying not to eat for 1,3 and 5 days
  4. Attempting partial fasting: not eating all day and then bingeing in a one-hour window
  5. Not liking the idea of having my photo taken (family photoshoot, birthday party)
  6. Seeing new examples of times in my life when I have been driven by fear
  7. Trigger foods: sugar, flour, starches, fried and fast food. Including but not limited to: bread, chocolate, all sweets, yoghurt, pasta, pizza, potato, crisps, all flavourings and sauces such as curry, tikka, ketchup etc. Non calorific drinks allowed.
  8. Juice detox before wedding. Not eating solid food for three days.
  9. 90 kgs when I met future wife in 2016. Late 2019 I weighed 106kgs. I managed to get down to 93 kgs for my wedding – but since that day I have never managed to weigh less than 95kgs.
  10. Binge foods: Five Guys burger and milkshake, bread, smoky bacon crisps, sugary cereal, Nutella, bakery items, chocolate, sweets, cheese.image_a2d6c162-3ce5-4114-94e6-a278089631c7.img_2064
  11. Reading when eating and ignoring my wife at the dinner table – compulsive food behaviour – seeking oblivion and to not ‘feel’ my food
  12. Compulsive exercise: signing up for marathons etc.
  13. Frightened to have a blood test in case I have diabetes or other food addiction related maladies
  14. Fear that wife might not love me or have an affair because I am fat
  15. Fear of writing down examples of bingeing because of euphoric recall.
  16. Arguing with wife over food.
  17. Food associations: Italy, reward circuitry, Chinese restaurants etc.
  18. Methods tried: carrot juice, eating at certain times, fasting, spending hundreds of pounds on protein bars, seeing a nutritionist, dietary supplements.
  19. Wishing I could take an amphetamine like ecstasy or cocaine in order to suppress appetite.
  20. Hiding sweet wrappers all over the house and in car.
  21. Arriving from shops and running straight upstairs to hide food.
  22. Physical injury from weight gain: plantar fasciitis, sore hip, huge belly.
  23. Not being able to fit into Hugo Boss suit (only wore it four times!) and numerous shirts.
  24. Barely eating on the day of my wedding and then bingeing as soon as the photographer had left.
  25. Making excuses to sneak off and buy sweets (Cornwall: ‘I got fudge’)
  26. Fear of going to visit family, social eating events, flying, business events, travelling, attending evening 12 step meetings because they interfere with my dinner and binge eating time.
  27. Feeling ‘less fat’ with a freshly shaven head. Feeling ‘less fat’ with a beard.
  28. Performance decline running in training and events. Liverpool marathon and half-marathon. Blenheim Palace half.
  29. Not being able to record music videos because of weight.
  30. Using photoshop to make myself look thinner on holiday photos!image_d7cb5e9a-cdc3-47db-b8f3-c680df441e67.img_2068
  31. Running at night after dinner, and then again, first thing in the morning – so as to weigh less on the scale.
  32. Renegotiating my target weight with myself and my wife. First it was 85kg. Then 90. Then 95kg.
  33. Creating a Spotify playlist called ‘94.9kg’ to motivate myself to get down to that weight. I wasn’t able to.
  34. Needing Red Bull to go for a run. Sometimes two cans a day.
  35. Countless problems with teeth – disregarding dentist’s advice.
  36. Wanting to binge on cheese.
  37. Wanting to smoke a cigarette as an appetite suppressant
  38. Binge sessions on Butterkist toffee popcorn.
  39. Feeling inferior and ashamed at family gatherings when I’m around normal eaters.
  40. Fear of getting sick from obesity related conditions.

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